Yatagarasu Series
Volume 1:
Ravens Shouldn't
Wear Kimono
Author: Chisato Abe
Part 2: Summer
Section 4
Listen to this chapter!
Asebi returned to the Spring Hall alone. She collapsed to the floor the moment she entered her private room. There was no strength left in her. She’d known that she was ignorant, but she couldn’t believe that she’d never been told something as fundamental as the fact that people could transform into birds. She wasn’t afraid of being made fun of; she was somewhat used to that. She was terrified of a world that she didn’t understand.
Could she really turn into a bird? She stared at her tear-stained hands, opening and closing her fists repeatedly. She had no idea how to transform into a bird. She even began to wonder if it was all a lie, invented just to mock her lack of education.
“Karasudayū,” Asebi said softly. The words of Masuho no Susuki and Chanohana echoed in her ears.
“Duchess Asebi!” Ukogi called out in a panic. “Are you here?”
Ukogi and Asebi’s ladies-in-waiting rushed into the Spring Hall. Ukogi entered Asebi’s room, trailed closely by Samomo. They sat next to Asebi on the floor.
“Duchess Asebi,” Ukogi said quietly, “Please don’t let Chanohana’s words hurt you. She spoke nothing but foolish nonsense.”
Asebi managed a weak smile in response. “Ukogi, Samomo. I’d like to request permission to leave Sakura Palace.”
Leaving the palace without being ill was the same as declining to enter the imperial court. Ukogi’s expression changed dramatically as she pressed Asebi for an explanation.
Asebi shook her head at Ukogi’s protestations. “But, you see, isn’t this the perfect opportunity to bow out? I’ve come to Sakura Palace, and I’ve enjoyed both the Doll Festival and the Boys’ Festival. I definitely won’t be chosen, so there’s really no point in staying here any longer, is there?”
“How can you say such a thing! Your father would never permit it. Neither will Princess Fujinami. Even if you insist that you have no interest at all in the Crown Prince, you’re not allowed to give up and leave.”
Asebi flinched. Her eyes went to her feet. “It’s not that I have no interest at all in the Crown Prince. I just don’t expect him to have any interest in me.”
Ukogi cast a sidelong glance at Asebi. “You cannot possibly mean what you’re saying, Duchess.”
Asebi forced a smile. “No, I mean it. I shouldn’t have come here, anyway. And I’ve never properly met the Crown Prince.” She blushed. “This is so embarrassing…”
Ukogi raised an eyebrow. “Duchess Asebi, do you mean that you have met the Crown Prince improperly? Impossible.”
Asebi pressed both hands to her cheeks. “Well, um. I did see him once long ago, by chance. I wondered, for a little while, if that was fate. When I saw him at the cherry blossom viewing stage, I thought he smiled at me.” She shook her head, and then whispered to herself, “No. It’s better this way.”
Asebi straightened her posture and faced Ukogi squarely. “I thought that if I could meet him one more time and tell him how I felt, then everything would change for the better.” She smiled self-deprecatingly. She realized now that this thought had been a foolish one. “But I always knew that there was no reason for the Crown Prince to care about someone like me. We don’t even know each other.”
“Duchess Asebi,” Ukogi said softly. Asebi didn’t seem to hear her.
“Everything, all of this, it’s just a misunderstanding. It would be better for me to leave,” Asebi said. “I can’t even say that I loved him or anything. We never even got to talk. If only… no.”
“Duchess Asebi!” Ukogi said, much louder this time.
“Huh?” Asebi tried to smile and enforce composure on herself when she looked up at Ukogi, but that was a losing battle. Her face was wet with tears. She met Ukogi’s pained gaze and realized that she’d been crying for quite a while.
“Duchess, it’s all right,” Ukogi said. “Everything is my fault. I didn’t understand your true feelings until now. You don’t have to smile for me when you’re so sad.”
Such consideration was rare coming from Ukogi.
A single tear fell from Asebi’s cheek to the wooden floor. Asebi covered her face with her hands and wept for what felt like a long time.
***
When Asebi finally came back to herself, her room was dim.
Ukogi was gone. She had left Asebi alone after she’d cried herself to sleep.
Asebi rubbed her aching head and sat up. There was an over-robe of purple silk draped over her to keep her warm. The fabric was perfumed; the scent reminded of her of the Empress. She wondered if it belonged to Princess Fujinami. She moved out from under the robe and looked around her room.
There was a letter and a bouquet of white mandarin orange blossoms on Asebi’s writing desk. The letter was tied to the flowers. Asebi undid the ribbon and gently unfolded the letter. The writer had neat and flowing handwriting.
The letter was addressed to her.
To Duchess Asebi:
You must remain strong of heart and mind, or you will share your mother’s fate.
The letter was unsigned. There was just that single line.
What could the letter mean? Asebi frowned and turned the letter over. On the back of the paper, this was written:
Now that Ukigumo is gone, my work has become easier.
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